Jealousy & Infidelity

I been in several conversations recently regarding the nature of human fidelity; there seems to be a new rush of people desperate to prove that humans are not meant for committed relationships. It stems from a belief that we’re better suited to have soul mates/companions and then separate, ever changing sexual partners. Were we meant to sow our seeds, to experience life with many companions? Is marriage & life-long commitments for the old fashioned? Stories float out of cities like NYC and Tokyo declaring that fidelity is dead, and the husbands and wives are now happy to swap, trade and move on; have we finally evolved to free sexuality?

The New York Times previously released an article documenting the prevalence of spouse swapping and multiple partners among high-flying execs. Mating clubs, online communities and underground services all propagate the multiple partner phenomenon. The services are easy to use, and open to anyone who wants to experience life with multiple partners. I was interested to see most of their examples came from in from the super cities of Tokyo, London and NYC. Fats moving places where the next big thing is everything; not excluding relationships apparently.

The increase in marriage age, combined with online dating and the fact that most of us are living more individualized lives than ever means that many of us are well into the late 20’s early 30’s territory before we ever find ourselves living with spouse. Until that time we’re evaluating all the options, looking for the best deal, the right one, often wondering if it’s even worth it to settle down. Surely our consumer mentality has infected the way we do relationships; we don’t want to buy the current version only to find out a better one will come along next year. So we keep our options open as long as possible, and let ourselves go window-shopping every once in while.

Are we progressing from the window-shopping stage to the inter-changeable stage, where we view relationships from a functional point of view? If yes, is that really ok? To be using people to our advantage, letting them do the same thing to us and meanwhile keeping our options permanently open? Is it really natural and as convenient as we think? It saves us having to tame our roving instincts or be stuck in a relationship we want to get out of; one step beyond a pre-nuptial agreement.

I have come to the shocking conclusion that I don’t think we were made to be unfaithful. Yes, I realize in saying that, we all do it; it being when we let our hearts wander, or find ourselves attracted to others that we haven’t made commitments too. I don’t think that is proof that we have evolved to the point of dispensing with life long partners however. I reckon that’s crap.

I could offer many arguments as to why I disagree, but one that for me, trumps them all. The pain that results from infidelity and the all-consuming power of jealousy, tells me it’s not how we function best. It hurts way too much to say it’s natural. Losing a partner is like losing a limb. Regardless of your view on relationships, monogamy and sexuality, most people will agree that sexual relationships involve a chemical, physical and even spiritual connection like no other. Some kind of transaction takes place between two people, and even in the cheapest of situations it still seems to be an amazing thing. The depth of emotion surrounding those affected by betrayal and affairs speaks to me in a way that most arguments cannot. Hearts are shattered, lives are turned upside down, and I am yet to meet a person who agrees that the affair they had was a great decision. Usually it takes them and those they love to a point of no return. Marriage may not be the best option for everyone, but infidelity and the chaos that ensues seems like a poor alternative.